Reason #57: Why my growing older isn’t the same thing as growing up

I called someone an idiot yesterday. To their face. This is why I can never be let out in public ever again.

I did this because I was provoked and couldn’t overcome my provokedness, er, annoyance. That is the line I am taking, but even as I type this I am realizing what a jerk I am.

Kenzie and I were trying to park at the mall down by Nordstrom’s. This lady is backing out but then decides not to. I’m trying to park in the stall next to her. Is she going to back out or not? We sit there for a while, until she decides and then in exasperation I go past her and try for the parking space much further up, but that space is pretty tiny and I parked crooked. So I proceed to back up and straighten my angle. Only said lady is now behind me, boxing me in. I wait patiently until she passes. Only she never passes. And it’s not like there were any other cars around. No one is in front of her. She just sits there and proceeds to finish her book or clip her nails or have a tasty snack. She doesn’t move. What is she thinking?

More time passes. Seriously, what is she doing? I’m getting steamed and Kenzie and I discuss said lady’s state of mind. Hmmmph! I roll down the window and wave my arm vigorously for the lady to move it. She doesn’t. She is knitting a sweater or something and can’t be bothered. Finally, and this is the good part, I blurt out to Kenzie, I’m going to roll down my window and tell that lady she is an idiot and I start rolling down the window, only the rolling down is too slow, so I open up the door, stick my head out and yell, You are an IDIOT.

Yup. I said that. And this is the part where you all should pay attention and learn from your Auntie’s serious lapse in judgment. Never say that to someone you haven’t actually seen face to face.

As soon as I make eye contact I realize the magnitude of my sin. Surprise, surprise, she wasn’t a green martian afterall. She was a real live human being who looked to be about my age and someone I would chat up in the grocery store line. The look on her face — well, I recognized it immediately. She was befuddled and bewildered. It was a look that communicated: Look, I don’t know why I am sitting here not moving. I just am. Okay?

I could so relate. The woman, she smiled at me weakly and I nodded my acknowledgement that I understood our shared human condition. I sheepishly and silently tuck my head back into the car and close the door.

I turn to Kenzie and remind her of her family loyalty. We will never speak of this to anyone, right Kenz? Right?

But too late. She is laughing hysterically, uproariously even. Oh that was just great, Mom. So classic.

I console myself that it could have been much worse. Meghan would have delivered a tongue lashing. I can hear her now, So, uh, Mom. Do we even belong to the same church?

Ouch.

I tried all day to justify my behavior with all the typical rationales. I was provoked, I was justified, I was tired. I had low blood sugar. I had a bad childhood. Growing up, my brothers’ were meanies.

But the reality is this. Most days I can keep my act together, really. But then there are days when the real me comes out. The childish me. The one that tells people they have never met before that they are IDIOTS.

CS Lewis lectures me with his Rats in the Cellar analogy:

When I come to my evening prayers and try to reckon up the sins of the day, nine times out of ten the most obvious one is some sin against charity; I have sulked or snapped or sneered or snubbed or stormed. And the excuse that immediately springs to my mind is that the provocation was so sudden and unexpected; I was caught off my guard, I had not time to collect myself. Now that may be an extenuating circumstance as regards those particular acts: they would obviously be worse if they had been deliberate and premeditated. On the other hand, surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of a man he is? Surely what pops out before the man has time to put on a disguise is the truth? If there are rats in a cellar you are most likely to see them if you go in very suddenly. But the suddenness does not create the rats: it only prevents them from hiding. In the same way the suddenness of the provocation does not make me an ill-tempered man; it only shows me what an ill-tempered man I am. The rats are always there in the cellar, but if you go in shouting and noisily they will have taken cover before you switch on the light.
~C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity, (1952)

Good ole’ CS. He always comes through in a pinch and nails it. I have rats in my cellar, er, in my heart. But then maybe we all do.

If by chance the lady in the above encounter ever reads this: I’m so sorry. I want you to know that I have been motivated to do penance as all day today I have waved and smiled cheerily to fellow drivers. I even let some of them cut in front of me and as they did so I mouthed the words, I love you, fellow traveler.