To My Daughters: All You Need to Know About a Man Before You Decide to Give Your Heart to Him

Kenzie and Brig have moved in with us for the summer and with Meghan home our family circle is complete. I confess to loving this. It is great to have them all so near — as in under the same roof. Although we don’t really see Meghan all that much as she is not one to sit at home. She has been busy socializing (nothing new here) and dating. And hanging out. And dating some more. And while she pronounces all her dates as ‘not serious’ I am in full ‘alert Mother mode’, which is code for ‘time to whip out The List’.

Megs, is afterall, a catch and as I have now more experience with the whole ‘daughter falling hopelessly in love thing’ (thank you B. Gomer) I must be bold and act quickly. (Yes, Megs, I know. You have no intention of getting serious yet. I am drawing unwarranted conclusions. Marriage is the farthest thing from your mind, okay I get your point).

Still. Love often strikes when least expected and I intend to be ready. So here’s The List:

1. Watch to see how important the Lord is in his life. Is his life gospel centered? What’s the depth of his commitment to the Savior and His church?

√√2. Do a background check — just to be on the safe side. Perverts can pose as spiritual dudes. (For example check the Utah Sex Offenders Registry) And yes, I did do a background check on Brig and no I’m not ashamed as I have been doing this regularly since my girls were in High School.

3. Watch him drive in heavy traffic.

4. Play tennis with him (or some other competitive sport). This reveals several things. Like is he a hot shot big shot jock or is he a gentleman jock. Big difference.

5. Listen to him talk to his mother when he doesn’t know you’re listening.

6. See how he treats those who serve him (waitresses, ushers, maids, clerks, etc)

7. Notice how and for whom he spends his money. (Tithing is a huge issue)

8. Look at his friends.

9. See how he reacts when he’s tired, cranky and hungry.

10. Notice what makes him cry.

11. Notice what makes him stressed out. Does he get mad easily?

12. See if you can stand him when he’s all stinky and sweaty. Is that a smell you could live with?

13. What ticks him off? How does he respond to stress?

14. Notice if he’s comfortable saying the words, I’m sorry.

15. See if you have at least 3 things in common. (One of them better be your commitment to the Lord, the other two don’t really matter)

16. Notice subtly how he rates on the emotional maturity/character scale (that’s another quiz entirely, see me for further details).

17. See if you can make a list of 8 things you like and admire about this person (Body parts don’t count. If you can’t come up with 8 things to start with then move on).

18. Does this person have a track record of excellence in his pursuits? (Well, this is negotiable. Tries at least).

19. Does he have enough interests to make him interesting? (Like, I dunno, reading, dissecting bugs, race walking, origami, stuff like that).

20. No B.O. Check out hairiness level especially on the back and preferably no warts (well the ones on the feet are okay but yikes to the ones on the back) and no Weebies on the teeth.

21. Who does this person most want to be like and why?

22. Then finally remember 3 more really important things to know about him (well, other than how well he loves the Lord)
1. Is he kind? 2. Is he kind? 3. Is he kind?

When you get these questions answered to your satisfaction then you might, I say might be ready to give up bits of your heart. Note: All the above applies to yourself as well. So take these questions and then point the finger to yourself.

Prospective suitors be forewarned. Your FMIL is a formidable gatekeeper. No one gets by me and steals my daughters hearts without serious worthiness and effort. Jerks need not apply.