Fish Tales and a Bed of Nails

I have a big day planned. So much I gotta do.

Tomorrow we are having a garage sale, so there’s that. And then I have a bunch of Society of Relief stuff I need to do, like teach Sunday and go over vt changes, and then fix dinner and then take dinner in. There’s also a bunch of phone calls I need to make and a couple of emails as well. Oh, and Lex comes for her piano lesson at 3:00. And then there’s the mothering thing, being nurturing and all that. You can see I have a full day.

Any one of these things on my list is enough to keep me hoppin’. But here I sit. I can’t move on account of catfish and carp.

Yesterday, I read this interesting news story about this catfish in Australia that tried to swallow a basketball. No, I am not making this up. There was even a picture of it.

Fascinating. So fascinating in fact that I shared this info with my FSIL.

Can you believe that, I say. Who knew there could be catfish big enough to swallow a basketball?

But my FSIL is not surpised or amazed at this news story. Because he is a water person and wakeboards and sky skis and stuff I listen as he proceeds to calmly explain that yes indeed, fish can be that big. My wise and oh so truthful son-in-law went on to explain in solemn detail about the amazing catfish and carp lurking at the bottom of Lake Powell. How they grow to incredible size, as big as boats in some cases, and eat people. Only not to worry they don’t eat people who are alive, like in the movie Jaws, but only eat up the ones who have drowned. That is why their bodies are never recovered.

That can’t be true, I say.

But my FSIL is calmly yet resolutely adamant.

True. All of it, he says.

And because I have such confidence and trust in my FSIL and know he would never, ever, like flat out lie to me, I believe this.

Who knew and why did I never know this? I mean this is vital info to know, as in if I had known this earlier I would not have gone boating with you on Tuesday. Sheesh, FSIL.

The relevance of all this newly discovered information is that I have been googling and surfing the ‘net to learn more about his claims. Because knowing the potential size of catfish and carp is a higher priority right now than my garage sale or my ministering in the Society of Relief. Or brushing my teeth.

Anyway, I found some fascinating stuff but as always is the case I found something even more fascinating along the way—a new website to love, called How Stuff Works.

I have spent the last few minutes learning how it is possible for a person to endure a bed of nails.

Oh. And my FSIL. He told me a big whiffee. Shocker, I know. Which just goes to show why I had to google him originally.

To My Daughters: All You Need to Know About a Man Before You Decide to Give Your Heart to Him

Kenzie and Brig have moved in with us for the summer and with Meghan home our family circle is complete. I confess to loving this. It is great to have them all so near — as in under the same roof. Although we don’t really see Meghan all that much as she is not one to sit at home. She has been busy socializing (nothing new here) and dating. And hanging out. And dating some more. And while she pronounces all her dates as ‘not serious’ I am in full ‘alert Mother mode’, which is code for ‘time to whip out The List’.

Megs, is afterall, a catch and as I have now more experience with the whole ‘daughter falling hopelessly in love thing’ (thank you B. Gomer) I must be bold and act quickly. (Yes, Megs, I know. You have no intention of getting serious yet. I am drawing unwarranted conclusions. Marriage is the farthest thing from your mind, okay I get your point).

Still. Love often strikes when least expected and I intend to be ready. So here’s The List:

1. Watch to see how important the Lord is in his life. Is his life gospel centered? What’s the depth of his commitment to the Savior and His church?

√√2. Do a background check — just to be on the safe side. Perverts can pose as spiritual dudes. (For example check the Utah Sex Offenders Registry) And yes, I did do a background check on Brig and no I’m not ashamed as I have been doing this regularly since my girls were in High School.

3. Watch him drive in heavy traffic.

4. Play tennis with him (or some other competitive sport). This reveals several things. Like is he a hot shot big shot jock or is he a gentleman jock. Big difference.

5. Listen to him talk to his mother when he doesn’t know you’re listening.

6. See how he treats those who serve him (waitresses, ushers, maids, clerks, etc)

7. Notice how and for whom he spends his money. (Tithing is a huge issue)

8. Look at his friends.

9. See how he reacts when he’s tired, cranky and hungry.

10. Notice what makes him cry.

11. Notice what makes him stressed out. Does he get mad easily?

12. See if you can stand him when he’s all stinky and sweaty. Is that a smell you could live with?

13. What ticks him off? How does he respond to stress?

14. Notice if he’s comfortable saying the words, I’m sorry.

15. See if you have at least 3 things in common. (One of them better be your commitment to the Lord, the other two don’t really matter)

16. Notice subtly how he rates on the emotional maturity/character scale (that’s another quiz entirely, see me for further details).

17. See if you can make a list of 8 things you like and admire about this person (Body parts don’t count. If you can’t come up with 8 things to start with then move on).

18. Does this person have a track record of excellence in his pursuits? (Well, this is negotiable. Tries at least).

19. Does he have enough interests to make him interesting? (Like, I dunno, reading, dissecting bugs, race walking, origami, stuff like that).

20. No B.O. Check out hairiness level especially on the back and preferably no warts (well the ones on the feet are okay but yikes to the ones on the back) and no Weebies on the teeth.

21. Who does this person most want to be like and why?

22. Then finally remember 3 more really important things to know about him (well, other than how well he loves the Lord)
1. Is he kind? 2. Is he kind? 3. Is he kind?

When you get these questions answered to your satisfaction then you might, I say might be ready to give up bits of your heart. Note: All the above applies to yourself as well. So take these questions and then point the finger to yourself.

Prospective suitors be forewarned. Your FMIL is a formidable gatekeeper. No one gets by me and steals my daughters hearts without serious worthiness and effort. Jerks need not apply.

CS Fortune Cookies

So for dinner I’m eating a Chicken Teriyaki bowl from Hogi Yogi. Yeah, I know fast food. Bad, bad. Eating this reminds me of JLW and his total mastery of chopsticks. Which reminds me of how much I enjoyed our fam Chinese food dinner last Friday night with Lexie as our waitress. Which now reminds me of those cookies of fortune and how I have always secretly wanted to be a writer of fortunes on account of my love for little sayings and profound proverbs. In fact, even as I speak, er, write this I am overcome with such intense desire to write some. Only not those lame ones you sometimes get like:

It is better to deal with problems before they arise, or A smile is your personal welcome mat, or You love Chinese food.

Sheesh. Lame.

No. I am interested in writing personalized messages. To those I love. I think I’ll write some now. And while some of them aren’t entirely original the sentiments come from my heart.

To:

HB: Maybe you can live on the moon in next century.

My Russian Bro: I pee'd in your rice. (Okay, okay, not original, but funny, no?)

Chea: Moo Goo Guy Pan you are some kind of Lamb!

Eloise: The truth is in the diaper. (Thank you, Celine Dion)

JLW: You can depend on the trust of the collective.

BGA: He who tends his monies, has monies to tend.

Linds: You R 2 cute.

LDW: Skooch on over, baby.

And finally to our Jeff and Pam: All great and enduring relationships are tested by separation ; )